We All Start Somewhere

I hope someone needs to hear this also, even if it’s just me who needs to put it out there but I’ve been feeling compelled to put something down into words for a bit. Now, I have the time to do it.

I am a personal trainer. I am a new mom of a 9 month old baby. Those two things define me the most right now. They take up most of my energy and I want to give my energy to those two things.

I only look the part of one of those currently and it’s the mom. I completely and totally look like a mom right now. At least, I hope I do with a baby hanging on my hip, my hair a mess (lets me honest, my hair has always been a mess!), my body soft, my breasts full and I am OKAY with that.

I’ve been wanting to get back into working at a gym while I work on building my personal training business. My main goal is to only do personal training for myself as a business. To go to others homes or park and train them there and to train others online through an app and phone calls and videos. To help with that, I think it’d be best to get back to a gym.

Side note… I quit my gym job once I got pregnant. I was working like 3 jobs at the time and went with just the full-time job and training my one in-person client. The pregnancy exhaustion was utter and complete.

Anyway, so I applied for a personal trainer job at a big gym in the town next to ours. I told Joel about it and he actually said something that I already knew. That I’ve heard from others I follow and learned from and wasn’t something I didn’t already know but it made me mad this time. Not mad at Joel but mad at the words and what it means not only for myself but for other women as well.

“They only hire for body image.”

And it’s true… you don’t want an overweight trainer. Perception is everything and if a person cannot take care of themselves how in the world can they train someone else to get fit and lose weight?!

I “bounced” back to being only 10lbs away from my pre-baby weight. Currently, I’m about 15lbs away. Does that bother me? Yes and no. Yes, only because I’m a personal trainer and I don’t look like one. No, because I’m a new mom with all these new experiences and depression with postpartum depression as a side. I’ve got new aches and pains. Literally, with a shoulder injury (ugh and can’t get seen for it until this Corona Virus dies down!!).

I don’t workout like I use to. I most definitely don’t sleep like I use to. I don’t eat like I use to because I’m eating more to keep up my breast milk supply. I don’t even walk like I use to.

Depression and a baby make everything so much harder than what it use to be. Moms before me are like, welcome to the club sista because you don’t know until you know. Maybe some of you reading this are rolling their eyes like get over it. Maybe others are just saying yes, I know what you mean! Some are also like I have no idea because I’m not there.

Those who know what I mean, you are my audience! You are who I’m speaking to right now. I am where you are and I’ve actually been here before. Not too long ago I weighed closer to 170lbs on my small 5’2″ frame than I cared for. I lost 30lbs and it became my passion to help others.

This all feels like a ramble just to say, I know. I know, I’ve lived it, and I live it now. I know what it’s like to want your old body back. To feel like you use to feel. To have the energy you use to have. Nothing will ever be the same though. What worked in the past may not work the same now because your body IS different if you’ve had a child. Even if you haven’t had kids yet… if you’ve been able to lose weight but gain it back, your body is not the same.

You are not alone.

Not all personal trainers start out looking like models. We all start somewhere, even us personal trainers. Some of us begin overweight, wanting to feel and look healthier. Some of us are moms, learning how to do this all over again just differently.

I’m starting with the inside first. I am seeing a therapist for the depression and PPD. I, personally, cannot do anything until my mind is right. I’m getting there because I am walking more. I have the desire to do more things and start working on me again. Depression is a bitch and it’s a struggle and a fight every single day. Small simple tasks appear so freaking hard to do.

Now, more than ever I want to be the strongest, healthiest version of me for my daughter. In 10 years, when she’s 10 and I’m 50, I don’t want to be tired and unable to play with her. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be for her and to be around for her as long as I can be, God willing. I will do my own part though to help make that happen.

Are you ready to get started?

Just take one step at a time.