What you don’t expect

Again, it’s been so long! This time I can say it’s from procrastination. It’s not a “normal” procrastination but one that stems from depression.

I’ve fought a hard battle with depression in the past. I thought I’d overcome it but I’m not sure it’s something that ever is truly gone. Pregnancy and all the hormones exacerbated all those feelings.

After finally getting signed up with healthcare through the VA (Veterans Affairs), I requested to see a therapist. Having all the emotions of sadness, failure, anger, jealousy, and fewer days of feeling good, I’d decided it was time.

I’m tired of being emotional. I’m tired of all these crazy feelings and thoughts. I’m tired for Joel, who has been so amazing to me in all of this.

Because I’m breastfeeding the therapist didn’t want to put me on medication. I’m actually really good with that. Her one prescription to me has been this: Take a walk daily. She asked me if I could do that. I got emotional because I LOVE walks. It’s my favorite form of movement. I told her, really it was almost a whisper because of the emotion in my voice, “It just feels so overwhelming and takes so much energy and feels so hard to do, to get outside with the baby, even for a walk.” She said, “That’s the depression talking…” And then we spoke some more.

So, beginning yesterday, I filled my prescription. At first I was going to go by myself but I asked Joel last minute if he wanted to join me and he said yes. The 3 of us set out on a very nice evening walk. It was definitely nice to get outside, enjoy the weather, and see the sunset with my 2 favorite people.

So, I can tell you so many things you expect to happen when you have a baby but no one really tells you what you don’t expect.

You don’t expect the intensity of your feelings. You don’t expect the utter lack of joy you can feel. You don’t expect the feelings of overprotection. You don’t expect the feeling of needing to be in complete control. You don’t expect the feelings of not wanting to do anything. At all.

But you get up and you do the bare minimum that you can for your daughter. You play with her even though you want to cry because you love the sound of her baby laughs. You bathe her because she loves the water even though you’d rather be laying in bed. You breastfeed her because you love and hate it at the same time. You pump for her even though it’s grueling. You request just an hour or two to yourself because you haven’t had it in weeks. You seek help so you can move past this and enjoy every bit that you have because you still recognize how blessed you are.